Surrender

Last night I went to my first yoga class in a long time. I’ve been doing yoga on and off for the last twenty-three years, but because I got into running and life became a bit busy, my yoga practice fell by the wayside for the last couple of years. Lately I’ve been experiencing some shoulder tension and tightness thanks to too much time on the computer, and even though the release of my memoir is a very exciting time, it comes with some stress from learning how to get my book in the hands of as many people as possible to making publishing decisions I’ve never made before to strengthening the belief I have in the lessons my book provides against the insecurities that come from exposing some big, personal stuff….something I’m sure many who write experience. It’s no wonder I’ve been wanting to do yoga for the last few weeks.

Sure yoga is exercise, but for me it’s always been a practice that has brought me peace of mind. I was lucky that I had the opportunity to do yoga not long after I developed PTSD. In anticipation of potential, unexpected stress that may come with the release of my book (for example rough reviews, lower than expected reception, etc.) I decided my New Years resolution would be to go to a yoga class once a week. Like many of us do as a way to hold ourselves accountable while seeking support, I put this resolution on Facebook. Within minutes, a friend mentioned a class to me, which happens to be the class that aligns perfectly with my schedule. Last night was the first class.

It’s funny how when you step away from an activity that you love that it seems different when you return. I was expecting my mind to quiet immediately and for it to be easy. This was not an advanced yoga class at all, but it was one of the hardest yoga routines I’ve ever experienced. Tree pose on my right foot felt impossible but easy on my left foot. My hamstrings have never felt tighter during downward dog. Sweeping down into a forward bend my right and left sides felt so different that I thought I was going to tip over. I could not get my right arm straight when I was in plank pose. Just when we were told to lay on our backs I thought finally…shavasana….only to be told that we were going to do bridge pose. These were once easy for me to do, and as I got into bridge pose I lamented to myself how much my body felt out of alignment.

Then we moved into a twist on the floor where I could stretch my right arm out and away from my body. That’s when the magic happened. Deep inside my shoulder, likely within my rotator cuff, was the main culprit to my tension. It held the stress from writing, from editing, from researching, from wondering, from worrying, from questioning, from doubting and from all the everyday tasks sprinkled inbetween. As I breathed deeply, I felt a deep stretch within one of those muscles, and it spread down all the way to my fingers and all the way down into my lower back. With this release came these thoughts….

The reception of my book will be what it will be.
I cannot control the outcome.
I can only control my effort.
What I’ve done is enough.

Sometimes in attaining the goals we care so much about we get caught up in wanting to control everything, but the truth is there is very little we have control over. At this point in my book’s journey, there’s very little for me to control….I have to allow myself to surrender to its own path, not the one I have in my mind.

However, what I can do is sit in gratitude for what writing my story has done for me, and also be thankful that my new yoga routine will get my body back in alignment.