Dreams

This photo of Chichen Itza, taken by my husband while we were on our honeymoon, hangs on the wall behind me where I sit at my desk at my acupuncture practice. It’s not there to be prominently displayed like I have the rest of this photography throughout my office, all of which is much nicer than this piece. It’s there to serve as a reminder to me to never give up on a dream.

Some back story….a few years after our honeymoon, we returned to Riviera Maya, Mexico. We decided to take a tour of Coba, which was the only ruins in the area that you could still climb, and which the tour guides frequently mentioned that officials may soon stop people from climbing its steep staircase in the near future. Once we arrived, I looked up from the base and felt really small. I began to climb and quickly became nervous by the smoothness (and slipperiness) of each step. Some steps had deep cracks. Some were missing entirely. Some had gravel. Some seemed loose. Most, or perhaps all, were uneven. It didn’t help that I was wearing sandals and a skirt. I got about halfway up and decided it wasn’t worth it to continue. As soon as I got back to the bottom, regret began to build, which I masked at irritation at my husband for not helping me climb to the top, even though it wasn’t his job to help me and I’m the one who made the decision to stop. Unfortunately, I dumped a bunch of disappointment onto my husband, which needless to say I later realized was misdirected disappointment that should have been towards myself. By the time I realized this, we were already on a beach nearing the end of our excursion.

Have you ever given up on a goal and been so upset at yourself for doing so that you can hardly think about it? Even though climbing Coba was never on my bucket list of major life accomplishments like earning my graduate degree or opening my acupuncture practice were, it nagged at me loudly as if it was every time I thought about it.

There’s no eloquent way to put this….giving up on goals sucks. As a child, I often thought about elaborate adventures and big dreams, including growing up to be a butterfly, I think I was born this way. When I developed PTSD at age twenty, suddenly an immense desire to remain safe and comfortable overwhelmingly outweighed my desire to dream. Goals became smaller, and the big ones like I had when I was a little kid that were actually attainable seemed insurmountable.

After walking away from climbing Coba, which was such a small goal compared to others I’d had, I’d had enough. I decided that I was no longer going to give up on goals and that I would see things to completion no matter what it took.

It just so happened that around this time I had decided to write my memoir. The idea was whispering to me frequently—that sharing my story of how I found my way out of my PTSD symptoms while grieving the loss of my father and finding a new life purpose may inspire others to do the same. At this point sixteen years later, I had learned how to find peace with what happened and create a life by my design, not one that I fell into and floated along without a conscious decision. I didn’t have any examples from anyone who had learned to live a happy life with PTSD, so my hope is that my story will be the example that people are looking for.

Though I didn’t intend to write most of book at my acupuncture office, it quickly became clear to me that doing so would allow me to be more productive as well as keep the energy that at times I was dumping onto the keyboard out of my home. I wasn’t even a thousand words in when I thought of Coba and how there was no chance I was going to allow myself to not complete this dream. Up went the photo of Chichen Itza. Why not Coba? Because Chichen Itza was no longer climbable for many years when we visited during our honeymoon, but if it had been, I highly doubt I would have made it to the top given that it appears much scarier than Coba. I’ll never be able to climb these stairs, so to me this image was a gentle reminder that dreams have a deadline and I should never give up. Though this seems silly, I also really liked that at the top it looks like a smiley face, also reminding me how wonderful the view is upon completing a goal.

I’m really looking forward to next week, January 25th to be specific, when my book Peace with Trees will be released and when I can celebrate the completion of one of the biggest dreams I’ve ever given myself. Like I say in my acknowledgements to everyone who has ever shared their PTSD story with me—never lose hope that your life can get better.

Worth noting….a little over a year ago, we returned to Mexico. A different excursion that included visiting Coba was offered and we decided to go back. I had decided that I was going to climb to the top. Because it was later in the day and the stairs had baked in the sun, it was harder than my first attempt. However, I held onto my will and I made it to the top with ease. Thankfully, I had made it back down to the bottom before someone else in our tour group had tumbled down about a third of the way. Fortunately, and miraculously, he wasn’t hurt.