I developed PTSD in 1997. I thought I was symptom free since 2011 until I was working with an editor on my memoir. My editor also happens to have PTSD and has written about her experience in various magazines. She assisted me a lot in my publishing journey, but where she helped me the most was when she’d point out areas in my manuscript where she didn’t understand my actions at the time, or perhaps how I had described my behavior. It forced me to look within, to better understand why I did what I did, and the running theme that lingered with each section that didn’t resonate with her was unresolved anger.
I thought I was a positive person. I had no idea anger still lingered within me. In the weeks and months that followed my traumatic experience, I found myself screaming at strangers who “did me wrong,” which usually meant they accidentally overcharged me or they didn’t mean to bump into me. The anger would explode out of me as if it had been contained by a bubble and a simple mistake caused it to burst. It felt beyond my control. In hindsight, it was misdirected anger I had over what had happened and it lived just below the surface of my being. At the time, anything could have set it off.
It took me years to be able to get good at recognizing the feeling and to train myself to make a better choice. Eventually, I no longer experienced rage at mundane mistakes, and I thought I was on my way to leading a life with a positive mindset. Then my editor pointed out those sections of my book that didn’t make sense to her, which made me think deeper. To my surprise, I was still angry….angry over missed opportunities, angry that my early twenties weren’t fun, angry that I had to put dreams on hold for a long time.
I am so grateful my editor’s remarks directed me towards this one symptom that I hadn’t faced. There were moments along my journey to living peacefully with PTSD that looking back still irritated me a lot. There were people, not related to my trauma, I had villainized in my story without giving them any redeeming qualities. The truth is none of these people were bad to the core, yet I had depicted them as being awful with no redeeming qualities. Once I reflected deeper and imagined myself in their shoes, I was better able to meet them where they were at and recognize that my unresolved issues still caused me to look back at these memories with anger.
As I rewrote sections of my memoir and began to own my behavior, I let go of the guilt and shame that came from acting and feeling the way that I did. As I released that burden, I noticed the positive outlook I thought I had got brighter. I saw more beauty each day. I felt more excited about my friend’s accomplishments. Colors seemed brighter, sounds more musical. I found myself visualizing new and exciting dreams for my future that made me want to get moving faster in the morning.
As peaceful as my life is now, I am amazed that I continue to discover more layers to my PTSD, and how releasing those seemingly subtle layers makes each day even better.
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